


Cutting it close

by Ishyc6h12o6



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, self hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:32:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26106505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ishyc6h12o6/pseuds/Ishyc6h12o6
Summary: Thing were going so well. His mother promised to leave him alone and was more or less sticking to it. A nice gesture from his class sends his fragile safety spiralling down into the worst pain he’s ever felt. Only this time, he doesn’t seem to want to get better.
Comments: 39
Kudos: 121





	1. Chapter 1

This is fun. I’m having fun.  
Nagisa repeated his mantra over and over. Because it is fun. He and his mother are eating ice cream in a cafe and she’s so happy. He got an A in a test (finally) so here they were. And it was fun. He stared at his bowl, the ice cream melting into little puddles. His mother was watching him.  
“Aren’t you going to eat?”  
He wants to really, but... at the back of his mind. The worry is nipping away him.  
What if she’s put something in it? She put something in and and you’ll pass out and wake up at school with a burning stick in your hand.  
Or.  
She put something in it and you’ll pass out and wake up back in that room and she will break her promise, her shaky quacky promise.  
She’s kept it for over a week now, ever since the festival, but he knows she wants to break it. He can hear the desperate deep inside her, sees her fingers twitching.  
But she’s so nice, she wouldn’t. Not in public. Not after he’d been so good, for days.  
Would she?  
Would she?  
Would she? Would she?  
Wouldshewouldshewouldshewould.  
Oh God, she’s staring at him.  
Eat it. Eat the ice cream you useless peace of trash, eat it before she gets mad, don’t ruin this Nagisa, just pick up the spoon and jam it down your throat because if you don’t you’ll ruin everything and you know what happens next. Swallow it every last drop don’t spill a single bit you know what happens to kids who make a mess.  
He picks up the spoon, sticks it in the ice cream.  
Smiling, his mother nods at him and his heart jumps into his throat. He shoves the spoon in his mouth quick, because it’s totally fine and she wouldn’t hurt him so soon.  
He swallowed and nothing happens. With a shaky breath he keeps eating, careful returning his mother’s smile.

Nagisa smiles all the way home from the cafe, feeling like his mouth could slice his face open.  
“That was fun, wasn’t it darling?”  
“So much fun mother”  
She wants him to smile wider, so he does his best. She wants him to be happy, such a nice mother.  
The seatbelt digs into his skin and he forces away the memories of that night.  
He’s having so much fun. At home she doesn’t even mention cloths and they watch TV together. When he goes to bed he can finally stop smiling. The feeling of his grin lasts a long time.  
The next day at school he carefully forgets his lunch and makes sure he doesn’t have time for breakfast. Just in case.  
On the way to school he daydreams about Nackamara and Karma getting bored of showing him pictures of him in the school skirt, the maid costume and god knows what else.  
No luck.  
“Nagisa! You’ll never guess what I found”  
Crows Karma, pulling up the picture from ages ago when he had to cross dressed on the island.  
Great.  
“Stop it Karma” he says, voice drowned out by Nakamura’s giggles. At least she’s happy, they don’t tease him as long if they are happy.  
School starts to blur as the ache in his stomach grows. He carefully squashes it down. Better safe then sorry and his mother did seem irritated this morning.  
You never know.  
Koro-Sensei Sensei smiles at him, chuckles during class. He’s up to something. It better not be another one of his “great ideas” like when he ripped up that wig up in front of his mother.  
Though that has worked out alright. Ignoring the building tension he’s had a good few days.  
He and his mother are getting along so well.  
He finds out what the surprise is after lunch.  
“Nagisa, a private word?” Following him to the office, Nagisa gages his mood. Happy, exited. Secretive.  
Sly.  
Oh no.  
On the desk are neatly layed ways to make his mother kill him.  
Two combs, a scissors and a bottle of dry conditioner.  
“I was thinking, wouldn’t you like that haircut?”  
Please don’t. Pleases don’t make me.  
“After all, since its all fixed with your mother”  
I’m going to die, I’m going to be sick.  
“It’s high time! And I’m quite good if I say so myself”  
I want it cut. More than almost everything.  
“Sorry, but no thank you. It’s a lovely offer”  
Koro-Sensei looks surprised. He goes on a gentle tangent of how it was ok, his mother wasn’t controlling him anymore. Biting his tongue he caught the rising hysteria. Made sure it didn’t bubble over.

“Thanks again but I’m alright. I’m not going to get my hair cut just yet”  
After numerous encouragements. He convinced Koro-Sensei to let him return to class. The class looked up expectant and then confused.  
They were all in on this. They expected him to come back with a haircut, just like that? Because of one promise?  
Why are they frowning? Now he looks stupid, too scared to keep his word, though he never really gave it.  
He was so stupid.  
Stupid  
Stupid.  
Creeping to his seat he pretended that he didn’t notice the confused looks he was being sent.  
He thought that was the end of it.  
It wasn’t the end of it.  
The end (or beginning) came after school while he was walking back home.  
It came in the form of Karma, Terasaka and Yoshida.  
And a sisissors.  
“Please don’t, I like it long, I want it long, just stop it”  
He repeated, carefully dodging Their hands.  
“Come on, you wanted it cut for ages, it’ll look kind of messy but you can fix it at home. Just... break the ice here ya know?”  
And they ment it. It wasn’t for the sake of meanness they were trying to help.  
They were still trying to help when Yoshida finally caught his arms and Terasaka caught his face just like they used to and Karma...  
Oh God Karma.  
“See, it’s stil kind of long. And not too messy!” Karma preened himself while Nagisa pulled desperately at his now barely shoulder length hair.  
The rest of it curled like dying snakes in the mud below him.  
He started to scream.

Eventually he stopped screaming went numb. The boys around him were freaking out.  
“What happened? I thought you hated your hair! Koro-Sensei said you’d like it!”  
“He did?” mumbled Nagisa, staring into space. Everything was going so well. Then of course Nagisa had to mess everything up like he always did. Couldn’t get a haircut then couldn’t stop a haircut.  
Useless.  
He started walking barely registering the protests around him. Everything was grey and muffled and he just wanted to go home.  
Just get home.  
Just get home.  
Jest get home.  
It wasn’t until he got home that he remembered what would be waiting for him. Gripping the uneven hair, he pushed his front door open and prayed his mother got into a car accident or something equally drastic. Anything to stop what would happen.  
She couldn’t even speak when she saw him. Just stared, open mouthed, fingers twitching.  
“I didn’t do it. I swear. It was...”  
“You monster. You little monster”  
His bones started to melt inside him as her promise cracked into pierces.  
“Have I not been perfect? Have I not let you do what you want? I know growing boys need freedom and I gave it to you? You repay that with... with... this? All I wanted was for you to stay my child! You promised! And now you think you can chop your hair off for the fun of it?”  
She grabbed his chin, putting their faces close. He felt the heat radiating off her. She was quiet when she next spoke. Quiet was always worse.  
“If you think for one second this is acceptable behaviour then your even more of an idiot than I thought.”  
His chin was bleeding, his cheek not far behind. With one hand she shakily touched his hair. Then yanked a handful right out.  
With a wail, he pulled away only to be dragged to the kitchen.  
“You want short hair? Fine, I’ll give it to you!”  
With a scissors she hacked at his head, cutting it haphazardly cutting his neck rather that hair more often than not.  
“Please mother in sorry, please don’t mother pleases please I’m sorry I didn’t want to please I’m sorry and I won’t ever do it again mother mother please”  
She didn’t stop till it was all just below his chin. Breathing heavily she wrapped her hands around his throat.  
“You little bitch. You honestly thought you could get away with something like this? I created you. Your nothing without me. Now? Now your even less than nothing. You don’t deserve to exist!”  
Her voice went loader and loader as she gripped tighter and tighter.  
He scrabbled at his fingers, unable to think clearly. All he needed was one breath, one to figure out what to do. Only one.  
Only...


	2. Colors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy the next segment in my story. For this I researched the effects of dehydration. This may or may not be accurate. If anybody has experienced severe dehydration I’m sorry, hope your ok and am open to critiques.

Nagisa woke up in his bedroom. He knew this because of the scratches he had made on his door. All other signs, his bed, desk, wardrobe, were gone. Completely gone.

Not again.

It had been monthssince this particular punishment had gone down. Last time this happpend he had received a letter saying he was being moved to E class.

He never knew how she managed to drag out all his furniture. She was a thin women after all. Nevertheless, sometimes he’d wake up alone. He always started out ok. A few hours. Sometimes even a day. Occupied himself doing handstands and daydreaming. It wasn’t till hours turned to days that he really broke down. 

He always broke in the end.

She’d wait until the hunger ripped up his stomach and the loneliness ripped up his heart and listen to him scratching at the door. 

The next bit was always her favorite.

Watching him on his knees apologising over and over until she decided he was sorry enough. She loved when he begged. If he wasn’t desperate enough (he was almost always desperate enough) she’d leave for another day or four. He always told himself he wouldn’t beg. 

He always begged. 

A look at the (curtainless) window showed it was early morning. Would they miss him at school?

Probably not. They’d be glad to be rid of him after that scene he pulled yesterday. It was just hair. Who really cared?

He picked at the scabby cuts on his neck and settled in to battle the endless waiting game. 

Night had come 4 times and he wanted to die. His throat had nothing in it anymore and he couldn’t stand properly. 

He heard mother outside his door, singing. Drinking. Whispering.

Awful things.

Awful things he had done and had been stupid enough to tell her. 

That time he told a boy he loved him and he punched him hard.

When he got kissed in an ally and was too scared to cry.

When he let himself fall from a tree and broke his ankle.

All things that happened before he learned to shut up.

He would cry soon and she would come in and watch his begging. He just wanted to hold out for a little longer. Put it off. He was already going for a record. His best so far being five nights plus a half.

The ceiling was exploding into colors he never knew existed and suddenly he didn’t mind being alone anymore.

So much so, he was disappointed when his mother opened his door to check if he was dead.

Which would she rather? He thought? Dead or alive? 

Dead apparently.

She twisted into weird shapes in his eyes and he felt her hand against his face. Then his back. Then his legs. Then his face again.

He stopped feeling anything because his eyes started bleeding out of his head and dropped onto his ankles.

When he woke up one ankle was twisted weirdly and his eyes were back and burning. There was mother. What a strange colourshe was. Pink then blue then yellow then red then something else he couldn’t name. A snake was biting his legs so he clawed at it till the buckle broke and the sharp skin of it went to his face. 

What big eyes you have.All the better to watch you with stop moving.

What big hands you have. All the better to hold you with are you sorry?

Why big teeth you have. All the better to bite you with you deserve this.

“Nagisa. Nagisa. Nagisa darling, can you hear me?”

The voice was so soft he couldn’t help but smile. Something wet was being poured into his mouth and he learned what heaven felt like.

“Nagisa can you open your eyes?”

He did and there was mother. She was smiling and he loved her so so much. She’d look after him. Trying to thank her her found his tongue wouldn’t move right.

“Shhh it’s aright, just drink this. Suger water will get you better in no time”

That’s why he was so tired of course. He’d be better soon.

The next time he woke she was feeding him sewed apple. Mushy and comforting. A small child’s food. He wanted to be small again if she kept looking at him like that. 

He woke up alone. He was in mothers bed and hurt all over. Squishy headed he sat up, noticing bandages all around his legs. One ankle was propped up slightly, the bandage much thicker. 

Of course. His arms weren’t so bad but he knew his face was purple and black. His tongue showed several chips in his back teeth. 

Glancing at the calendar on the wall he guessed he’d been asleep for 3 days or so. Not nearly enough that’s for sure. Better check where mother is.

Trying to move his legs proved impossible. Was he hurt that badly?

No.

No.

No.

Some of the thick white bandages weren’t just wrapped on his legs, they were tied in knots. The other end strapped to the bed itself.

This couldn’t be right. Mother wouldn’t do this just because he was sick?

But he wasn’t sick was he. 

The swirls of colours and sounds and snakes jumped near the edge of his memory. He wasn’t sick. Just too stupid to figure it out before, he pulled on the short strands of hair on his head. 

He pulled harder as he heard his mother’s footsteps coming down the hall.

She wasn’t going to say anything? Not even a passive mention of, oh ya, I beat up my child and have tied him to a bed?

Nothing?

She blathers on about what a pity it is he has such a weak immune system and come along open up and eat the soup it’s good for you!

“Mom please.”

“Why is it darling?”

“Why am I tied up? I’m really sorry”

She hissed slightly and he flinched as he saw her go dark.

“Darling. Little children who make stupid decisions must be protected. Just until they know better.”

He nails dug into his arm as she reached to pull his hair.

“Don’t worry. It’ll grow back soon and it will all be ok. Look! At least you have little curls!”

Until it grew back? Surly she didn’t mean he’dbe here for years? She always had a few screws loose but now the tool box had been thrown out the window.

“I can’t.. I don’t want...”

“Darling, you aren’t so stupid you think I care what you want right now, are you?”

She raises her arm fist clenched.

“Because if you are stupid I’ll just have to teach you over and over till you learn”

He bowed his head. Here we go again.

Call them coddledbut the class was falling apart without Nagisa. Gone was the supplier of plasters, the friendly listener, the 4th member of the parent group.

Isogai, Mimura and Kataoka were left to deal with the growing insanity of those who missed Nagisa. When the one week anniversary of his apparent mental breakdown and subsequent absence rolled through they were on the verge of murder themselves.

Karma was cranky because people were blaming him for the whole, hold Nagisa down and cut his hair, debacle. 

It wasn’t his fault. Koro-Sensei told him to and he always listens to teachers.

You now understand why everyone was ignoring his excuses.

Eventually he decided to just go to Nagisas house and ask/beg him to come back to school. 

In the calm silence that followed his announcement even Karasuma almost wept with relief. He did not like 27 stressed and angers teenagers during homeroom.

“Hold still Nagisa, I’m almost done”

She finished carefully treading while and sliver needs through his hair and smiled.

“There now! Arn’t you pretty! And they match you pajamas!” 

“Yes mother, thank you” he replied mechanically. 

Due to him being “ Deliberately Disrespectful” he received the further demotion of being tied in a sitting position by the head bored. The bandages and ribbons she used as rope made his already sore stomach and chest bruise further. He could move his arms and head but not much else. Not that he wanted to.

He was so tired.

Karma knocked on Nagisas apartment and smiled politely when Hiromi opens the door. Gastly women, but if he wasn’t nice she was apt to slam the door in his face.

“Hello Miss Shiota, May I see Nagisa? I have his homework”

She slammed the door in his face. Right in it, not a word.

“What is wrong with her?” He muttered slamming his fist on the door. When she opened it he only just managed to stop himself from accidentally hitting her.

“He doesn’t want to see you. Go away.”

“When will he be back to school?”

“He won’t.”

This time she wouldn’t open the door again no matter how much he knocked.

Inside Nagisa stared at his hands and listened to what they were saying.

Never?

Never?

Never?


	3. Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Lolakitty who managed to snap me out of the writer block funk of this story. Warning ahead, I researched effects of isolation, repeated head injury’s and lack of stipulation so Nagisa will be acting pretty weirdly. More chapters to follow during the week. Sorry it’s been so long!

Nagisa hummed to himself to fill the silence. Nothing to do anymore, nothing to see. Count the cracks in the wall. Boring since she took out all the furniture. Just him and the bed. Sometimes she left jewellery for him, colourful beads and string. So pretty so pretty. He held his arms about in front of him, made shadows on the white wall. A dog, a rabbit a bird. A dog a rabbit a bird. A dog a rabbit a bird. A dog a rabbit a bird. A dog a rabbit a bird.

Calls, visits, threats of calling the police, nothing worked. No one was getting past Hiromi into that apartment.

“He’s sick, he needs quiet! Your just a teacher, why are you so interested?”

Sick. Nagisa was sick. For a whole month? Two? No one was buying it.

“She’s doing something awful” insisted Karma. “Koro-Sensei you have to get him! Push past her, mock 20 time let’s go!”

“He’s her child. I know it’s hard, but she promised to do better. He could be sick he was acting weird on his last day.”

“You believe that? I thought you were meant to be smart!”

A daily argument that got nowhere

Kimara tried to use the legal system.

“Can’t the school Investigate after the student has been apsent for so long? Out of concern?”

“Not for 60 days. He might be sick”

“It’s been 45 close enough?”

As the day count grew the resolve shrunk.

“I’ll go at 60 days. Just wait 10, and I’ll break in if nessasy. He’s her child, she’s just looking after him”

Hiromi watched as her child mechanically ate his plain rice. Plain food curbed disobedience. That’s what therapists say at least. It appeared to be working. He clapped when ever she came in and never asked to be untied. He smiled when she dressed him up and clung to her when she left. As a treat she sometimes let him keep the ribbons and necklaces she dressed him in. 

He smiled more than he ever did before. Which meant he was happy right? Though a small part at the back of her mind was worried. He seemed so spaced out all the time. He didn’t sleep anymore though that might be because he couldn’t lie down. He got upset when she turned off the light so, loving mother that she was she left it on always. The blinds were drawn so he didn’t look outside. 

And there were those bite marks on his arms she didn’t remember making...

But it was better this way. He was safe with her. Safe and...

“Nagisa!”   
He stared at her, eyes unfocused. The tipped over bowl dripping rice over the lovely white sheets. 

“How dare you! Why would you do that?”

He opens and closed his mouth like a fish and ran his fingers over the mess. 

“Nice. Nice and rice. Rice. Nice” and laughed. 

She kept to her feet and grabbed the bowl.  
His eyes finally focused on her as she smashed it down in his head. 

Nagisa woke up and hurt again. Oh no how sad. But pretty pretty new thing to play with. He ran his fingers over the new cuts on his forehead. Dug his fingers in so it bled so nice. How nice to have new thing.

Red like... like... who was it? A vague though of a boy who had red hair. Back when Nagisa went to to to school. School how nice. Karma? Yes Karma. But Karma had done something and then it was bad and mother and mother and mother and mother and mother 

60 days. Finally. Karasuma, Bitch-Sensei and Korosensi headed to Nagisas apartment. First the two official teachers would use the power of law. If that failed, well Korosensi was under no obligation to protect anyone’s family. 

Hiromi opened the door looking annoyed.

“You again? I will really call the police if this harassment continues”

“Your son has had 60 days no contact with any member of the school. This gives us authority to inspect your home for suspicions of negligence. Please move”

Her face contorted into a mask of anger.

“Get your self and this women off my property. You think I’m a bad mother? I’m ensuring my child remains safe from violence as was displayed last time he was in school. A mob of boys attacked him with scissors did you know that? He’s traumatised!”

“Attacked is a strong word....”

“And I have a strong frying pan! Get out before I use it in self defense.” 

“Miss Hiromi I’m afraid I must insist”

Nagisa rocked slightly as he heard the voices outside. So long since he’d heard anything other than mother. Angry voices and mother angry too.

Stupid voices. Angry mother was bad mother and he’d have to be punished for it.

Go away go away go away

Karasuma saw he was getting nowhere and marched right past her. She shrieked and was held by Bitch-Sensei. 

Slowly, he checked each room for signs of danger. Aside from a tea towel with a few drops of blood - could have been an accident in the kitchen or something- all seemed well. Finally he came to the last door. Nagisa must be in here.

He pushed the door open and felt his heart fall out onto the floor.


	4. Waiting

Karasuma? Yes it was him. It’s been so long long long. Should he talk? Was he allowed? Mother angry and angry was not good so that was bad so no talking? Or say I’m fine talking? Yes I am fine now I’ll say that why am I not saying it why is my face wet is he sad that’s not real Karasuma he is never sad and my eyes hurt now why is my face wet?

Karasuma slowly walked towards him, watching him flinch away.

“Nagisa I’m here to help. Understand?”

He felt awkward and too big all of a sudden. Hands too wide to brush Away the tears on his face. Nagisa smiled at him through the tears but it looked dazed and confused.

“Mother will help”

“We’re going to get you out of here, ok? I’ll untie you...”

“No! Mustn’t or it will happen!”

“Happen? Nagisa what will happen?”

He didn’t answer, just moved his arms, eyes flicking left and right. He wailed again when he came near. 

He needed a professional.

“Child services? Yes, I must report a serious case that requires attention”

It took a long time to get Hiromi into custody and Nagisa out of the rope. Nagisa was plainly terrified by all the people and Hiromi was close to murder. They eventually had to subdue them both with a sleeping shot.

Bitch-Sensei was standing awkwardly clearly uncomfortable as him. The next thing was to inform the class.

Nagisa woke up in a new white room. Lying down. He bolted upright and stared around. Nothing here either except for a chair. New! New thing how happy. Thirsty though. And empty inside so hungry rice soon? He looked down and frowned. No bandages, only a cast on his leg. Could he... get up? Or was it a test. Footsteps in the hall and dangerous so time to smile be good be good. 

Who was this? A man a man he didn’t know go away where’s mother Karasuma was here where is he gone where am I gone go away!

Dr Jygo shook his head sadly. The kid was panicking and he’d make it worse if he came near. The report was in. Malnutrition, broken bones in the leg and ankle, cracked rib, cuts requiring a total of 42 stitches on the head and arms, bruises covering 72% of his body, severe decay of muscle. 

Mental damage to be asserted. 

“Hello Nagisa. I’m Dr Jygo. Everything is safe now, alright? I don’t need you to answer me. You can if you want, it’s completely up to you. I’m just going to talk and you can do as you like. You don’t even have to listen. Ready? You are in The Lilas Hospital children’s psychiatric ward. 

His head snapped up but he stared at a space behind Jygos head. 

“Don’t worry, your not crazy. Your completely fine. We are just looking after you. That’s all. Would you like something to eat? Drink? You can nod if you like”

He nodded, then flinched. 

Was he supposed to nod what if he wasn’t what if he was supposed to say no I’m fine I have everything I need you are so kind to me what if he’s mad he’s bigger than mother he could make everything worse I’m sorry please please please.... water. In a plastic cup. 

It’s on a little foot board by the end of the bed. Dr Jygo put it there. For him? Can I have it? 

He eyed Dr Jygo through his short hair. Past his chin now and curls. Mother loved his baby curls. He would get it. Maybe a go get it test. 

He couldn’t move. Not properly. Carefully pull himself forward over the sheets on his stomach.

Water. 

Mine. 

He continued to watch Dr Jygo as he downed the water. Dr Jygo smiled again, and it seemed soft. A warm thing a safe thing a your going to be ok thing. 

He carefully smiled back. Was that right? Yes! Dr happy happy happy and happy meant safe for now. 

Dr Jygo made careful mental notes on the child’s condition. Hesitant and afraid of negative reactions. The slightest positive reaction made him practically burst with simple honest joy. No human should be this happy over a smile. If he wasn’t a professional he would kill that women himself.

Class 3-E were of a very similar mindset. Even Korosensei was having difficulty restraining 28 angry teenagers.

“You should have gone earlier! We told you to go!”

“Why wouldn’t you listen?”

“You know what she’s like!”

“This is your fault!” 

The insults grated on his ears as he held his students. He had thwarted the expeditions to assassinate Hiromi and to break into the hospital to see Nagisa. 

Both caused the students to descend into unchecked balls of fury and resentment. He needed to make this right. 

“Alright!” He yelled, shocking them into silence.

“Let’s go see him”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Out of curiosity, do you want a happy or sad end? I have ideas for both.


	5. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s been so long, I have my exams and I’ll be killed if it’s not straight H1s. Here’s the next chapter, the next one will be up by Christmas.

Hospital staff are amazing people. Some of the bravest of the nation. Standing up to deadly diseases and possibly hospital bombers. What they do not stand up to is 27 angry teenagers. 

The receptionist crouched behind the desk after she pointed out Nagisas room.

When they arrived Nagisa was sitting up in bed rocking himself. He stared at them vaguely.

He was a mess. Bandages, bruises and scrapes all over a too thin body. And his face.

Open and empty like a dolls. Not a trace of Nagisa left inside him. 

His eyes flicked to each of their faces in turn.

“Hey Nagisa” whispered Sugino.

Nagisa frowned slightly, trying to focus on his face. 

“Oh. Sugino.” 

Sugino sighed in relief and came forward.

Nagisa flinched back wildly throwing his hands up. He rocked again, hugging himself. 

“Jesus he’s messed up” said Karma. 

Nagisas headed jerked towards him, eyes wide. 

He started to scream.

Dr Jygo ran in and shouted over Nagisas shrieks.

“Who let you people in! This patient needs calm! Somebody... why is the patient so upset?”

After hustling the class out of the room he was filled in on the whole “holding Nagisa down and cutting his hair debacle”

“So. You forcibly hacked the hair of a child- who was actively begging you to stop- after you found out said child had a violent parent who insisted on long hair?”

They nodded sheepishly.

“Right. Wait, wasn’t their another boy with you?”

Sugino was standing next to Nagisa and trying to stop his screaming. He lashed out with weak fists till Sugino grabbed them and pressed them to Nagisas chest. 

He bent so their foreheads were almost touching. 

“Nagisa Nagisa Nagisa Nagisa Nagisa Nagisa”

He whispers over and over. Nagisa shook his head frantically eyes wide, trying to pull away.  
Sugino held tight and breathed heavily. Nagisa always used to mimic the breathing of people around him to go “invisible”

His subconscious kicked in and his breath slowed along with Sugino’s. 

“Nagisa Nagisa Nagisa” he kept whispering as Nagisa calmed down.

“Sugino?”

“I’m here. I’m going to let go now”

He backed away a few inches and sat at the side of Nagisas bed. 

“Sugino?”

“Still here”

“Sugino’s here”

Sugino’s here and Sugino was safe and soft and baseball of course Sugino liked baseball baseball that Nagisa would catch when he was outside and not allowed outside and scissors outside And in trouble and bad and Sugino touching his arm And smiling and smiling like.... this?

Nagisa’s eyes flicked around erratically so he touched his arm again. Nagisa looked up and smiled the most perfect Nagisa smile.

“Hey Nagisa. I missed you”

Dr Jygo was angry then pleased when he came looking for him.

“What did you do? What worked?”

Nagisa was holding a baseball Sugino had in his bag and crooning gently to either it or himself. 

“I don’t know, I guess I just.... reminded him of something?”

“Sugino’s baseball” added Nagisa helpfully, holding it up for demonstration. 

“Yes, Sugino’s baseball” Dr Jygo nodded evidently pleased. 

“Me and Sugino are going to go now Nagisa. You can stay here and do whatever you like”

Nagisa was ignoring them again but for a second he was present and alert which was enough for now.

“I think I can form a treatment plan off this”. mutters the doctor.

The next day Nagisa was playing with a spoon. “You can eat the soup Nagisa” Dr Jygo reminded him. “That’s what spoons are for.”

He nodded and put his spoon into the weird hospital soup. He was going to eat but forgot as Dr Jygo continues.

“We’re doing something new today.”

New? Nice new thing to play with? Another what was it what’s the nice special old new thing the Sugino the Nice Sugino’s baseball?

“How about a little walk?”

That’s not allowed. Anyway Nagisa can’t do walking his legs are so heavy all the time and so tired when he wants to move oh he used to move so fast he could run run run run he would run forever if he could

“Let’s go”

Dr Jygo picked him up so easily and put him in a wheelchair. Nagisa flinched as they went out the door, head wiping around for signs of someone angry. He peaked at Dr Jygo and opened his mouth but closed it again.

“It’s ok, you can ask for something.”

“Outside?”

“We can go outside”

The hospital side fort opened up to a little patient garden. Baby trees, flowers and a little fish pond with gold fish and the odd frog. A perfect place to take someone who hadn’t seen the world in months. 

Nagisa remembered how he loved outside. Sun how could he forget the sun arms up and the sun was wrapping around him he kicked his legs and it even worked a little bit and here he was and the grass was green and he could feel himself almost floating into that blue blue blue sky!

Dr Jygo smiled as Nagisa reached up his arms. 

“Do you like this Nagisa?”

The flower was pink with gently curling petals. It would be soft if he touched it! A lovely bit of outside to hold in his hand just for him!

He held out his arms, smiling in the way he knew Dr liked. 

“Flower?”

“Come get it and it’s yours”

Nagisa frowned. Dr Jygo was so far away. But he wanted oh how he wanted.

“Please flower?” 

“Of course. It’s right here”

Nagisa tried to think how to get the nice flower. A flower was so pretty so needed a pretty thing if he was pretty could he have the flower? Mother liked pretty and pretty was good so Dr like pretty and have the flower!

“Dress? Dress and then flower?

“What? No, why would you want a dress?” 

This was going badly Dr was confused confused was not happy was dress not working why? This was supposed to work what did he want what would make him give the Pretty Flower Now!

He lurched forword, ending up on his knees on the grass. He looked up shocked. How did that happen?

Dr Jygo was laughing? But nice laughing? Nagisa laughed to because he had just done something so strange and he wasn’t in trouble! And Dr Jygo have him the flower and it fit so perfectly in his palm. He didn’t even need a dress! And the grass was so so so so this. This and this was perfect. 

Dr Jygo sat next to him and Nagisa stared up at the blue and realised he loved everything and everything! 

The doctor was smiling but inside he felt a prick of worry. That dress thing had thrown him. He knew Nagisa had been found in an apartment with closets full of dresses but hadn’t realised that might be relevant. That might need to be looked into. 

For now however, things were on track. Nagisa had shown inclination to move and was laughing! He even spoke a whole sentence. Grammar would improve with time. 

Nagisa crooned to his flower carefully pasting a smile on his face. Dr was worried. Why? Something was going to happen, he knew it.

But what?


	6. Cracking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I’m a horrible person. It has been a long time since I’ve updated. But here I am, and here is a nice bit of fluff. Right before all the happiness is shattered.  
> Enjoy.

Nagisa sat in his room painting. Next to him were chocolate chip cookies on a green plate. He could eat them, every one.

He loved his room here. So many things to play with! Or, use. That is the proper word says Dr Jygo. Things to use.

That he plays with anyway.

He likes his Sonic Ninja poster. Karma got it for him, because Karma is sorry. Even though he forgives him. He watched the movie in the communal sitting room with other patients. The girl 6 doors down, the one with a broken arm loves Sonic Ninja too. He shared his poster with her, and she lent him her cat statue. He loves to share things. He has things to share!

He was painting his flowers again. Dr Jygo said he could paint whatever he wanted, and he wanted the flowers. Flowers, forever and ever.  
There were flowers in his green plastic vase. He could pick some every Saturday for his room. As a reward for being good.  
Nagisa was always good.

He picked the flowers in the garden! Outside! Outside he played with Sugino, played baseball!

He could catch the ball now, like he used to. Even run after it. Though he got very tired very quickly.  
But he was getting better! Sometimes Sugino got him to do push-ups. His arms burned but he could do 4!  
That’s not that many, but it’s more than none!

Because he could move now. Whenever he wanted, however he wanted.

Like now!

He got up and walked around his room. Touching the desk, wardrobe, windowsill.

His desk has his books on it. He can read a page or two every day. And when Koro-Sensei comes to visit he is so happy with him! Nagisa loves making him happy.

He liked his wardrobe too. Inside it had his 3 jeans he got from the “state insurer”

Blue, black and green.  
And his t-shirts! Lots of colour!

He could wear whatever colour he wanted! And he didn’t want white. Because white was endless and sore.

He liked green best.

And his window! With the flower box with seeds. They’d grow soon, the nurse told him.

Something he had grown, all made of him! And they would be beautiful.  
And everyone knew that was important.

There was only one thing he didn’t like in his new room.  
His skin.  
He hid it under jeans and long sleeves, even though it was summer now.  
It was jagged, and strange. Not smooth like it used to be. Especially on his arms and legs. In places he still had thick black stitches. Some of the patients stared, his friends did too.  
He knew they did.

He didn’t hide it at first, because he didn’t remember to care. But then he noticed it. And then he hated it. And then he hid it.  
And tried not to think about it.

Instead he thought about flowers.

When he woke up at night, shaking all over from the feeling of hands and whispers and ribbons, he let himself drift. Lying on his back he felt them. Felt the flowers grow out of every ugly mark. Vines, leaves and endless colours. Till he disappeared under the petals. Till everything was beautiful.  
And everyone knew that was very important.

The therapist, Mr. Hak-su talked to him every 5 o clock. They had to “examine his thought process“  
Which was sometimes a game, and sometimes something that was not. He didn’t like the was not.  
“Ready? I’ll say a word, and you say whatever comes into your head. Easy!”

He nodded, looking at Mr Hal-su’s desk. It was brown, which was boring, but better than looking at his face. Incase he was mad at wrong answers.  
“Door”  
“Out”

“Friends”  
“Baseball”

“Food”  
“Sweet”

“Excellent. Now this might be a serious one, ok? Remember how good you were last time?”

Nagisa nodded and he continued.

“Hair”  
“Brush?”

“Ribbon”  
“Sore”

“Scissors.”

A silence.

“Nagisa scissors. Tell me what your thinking.”

“Different one.”

“Nagisa. Scissors.”  
“No.”

“You have to...”  
“No!”

“Fine” he sighed. Let’s talk about something else. Nagisa shrugged, worry creeping down his back. As soon as he was allowed back to his room he went to his flowers. Let himself breath.  
Breath.  
Breath.  
And feel the ribbons brush against his skin, reminding him to be careful. Everything can change.

Dr Jygo came in while he was looking at his window box.  
“Lovely paintings Nagisa” he said. “It’s time for a check up, alright?”

Nagisa smiled because he didn’t mind these check ups. He couldn’t get these wrong! All he had to do was exist!

“Out loud please Nagisa. Is the check up alright.”

“Alright.”

After check up Dr Jygo patted his shoulder. “I suppose you didn’t like therapy today? Mr Hal-su said there were a few... blils. But. There’s a special surprise for you Nagisa. Would you like it?”

“Surprise? Surprise?”

“Of course! It’s your 3 month anniversary!”

“Long time!”

“Indeed. And you’ve improved greatly since you arrived. Even with those minor blips. So, that’s why we think you are ready for your surprise.”

“Surprise.” Insisted Nagisa, getting impatient.

“Sorry sorry. How would you like to go out to a cafe? With some of your friends?”

“Ohhh!” Crooned Nagisa happily. He’d never been all the way outside since.... before all the everything.

“I’ll come too of course. But I’ll sit at a separate table and give you privacy. Would you like to go?”

“Yes yes. Yes yes.” Said Nagisa clapping.

For the rest of the day he stood by his window, thinking of the cafe he knew was just out of sight. His flowers started to grow, he saw a green shoot.

Wonderful.  
Everything was wonderful.

The next day Nagisa made sure he was dressed perfectly. Blue jeans and green T-shirt.  
Brand new shoes! He hadn’t worn shoes in so long!

Green, with black laces.

And he was ready to go.

Sugino let him walk very close when they left the hospital gate. He walked on the inside of the pavement, though he still got a shock when each car passed.  
Everything was so big! And wide! And everywhere!

However, they arrived at the cafe without incident. Inside were bright soft chairs and shiny wood tables. He sat with Kayano on one side, Sugino on the other. Dr Jygo sat in the back with paperwork and a very large mug.

“So, what do you want for your first freedom meal?”

The menu was very pretty and he looked at it for a while just smiling. The words he carefully poured over.

When he realised they were waiting for him he had a moment of fear, felt it slash through his ribs.  
But their smiles told him he was ok.

“This?” He asked pointing.  
“Pan-cakes?”

“With blueberries?” Asked Sugino.  
And Nagisa remembered he loved blueberries with pancakes!  
When it came it even had ice-cream on the side!

And it was perfect.

They stayed for more than an hour, and Nagisa saw new things out the window every few seconds. All they people, all the pretty pretty people!  
He didn’t even care how ugly he knew he was! He was all covers up and everyone seems so happy!

Sugino talked about his neighbours annoying dog and Kayano told him about class that week.  
Nagisa haltingly told them about his Window Flower Box.  
It took a while but he got the story straight, and they said they’d come see it.

That’s when Dr Jygo said it was time to go back.

Nagisa didn’t mind. He was so full and so tired. And They came too! And saw his flower box with the little green plant just growing.  
And Nagisa couldn’t stop smiling.  
Because everything was perfect.  
And nothing would be bad anymore.  
Because he was safe.  
Wasn’t he?  
.

The day after Nagisa’s trip Dr Jygo found a visitor in his office.

“May I help you Madam?”

“Miss Gunna” she said shaking his hand.

“I’m here to talk about a patient of yours. Nagisa Shiota.”

“I’m afraid I can’t speak to any journalists because of patient confidentiality.”

“Oh no, I’m not a journalist. I’m a defence attorney. I’m here on behalf of my client, Hiromi Shiota.”  
.  
.  
.  
“What?”

“Hiromi Shiota’s child, Nagisa Shiota is a patient here at this institution. He is being treated for some mental trauma? My client has received no word on her child’s condition, as well as having received no contact from the child itself. This, I’m sure you will agree, is dreadfully unfortunate.”

“Wait, hold on...”

“So, quite simply I’m here to receive information on Nagisa. How is the child’s condition? Any problems Ms. Hiromi should receive word on?”

“That woman...”

“I will ask you to use my clients name.”

“That. Woman. Has no right to even think about Nagisa.”

“You’ll find that is not the case. She is Nagisa’s mother.”

“She tied him to a bed for two months! Do you know what condition he was in when he got here? He couldn’t even talk! He still has scars! Do you know how much that kid weighed? He had the body weight of a healthy 9 year old! He’s 14!”

“That has nothing to do with maternal rights. Until legal sentencing, which will not be for a further 4 months, Hiromi has the right of contact. She has not reached out before now due to physiological assessments. Which have deemed her fit for this missive.”

“What missive”

“Excuse me, I see I didn’t make myself clear. Hiromi wishes to see Nagisa.”

Dr Jygo stood outside Nagisa’s door for a long time. Through the glass he could see him mixing plant food in water. And smiling.

A proper smile. He saw it first 5 weeks before. And it had broken his heart.

And now the mended pieces began to crack.

He walked in and Nagisa smiled at him.  
He very nearly walked out again.

“Nagisa....”  
“Hello!”

“I... have to tell you something. Your going to... have a visitor.”

He clapped. “Kayano!”

“Not quite.”

“Sugino? Baseball!”

“Well, no.”

“Koro-Sensei!”

“No, unfortunately.”

He didn’t want to say it. Didn’t want to Rio that smile off Nagisa’s face. But legally his hands were tied.

“Your... mother.”

Nagisa crushes the glass he was holding.

“Nagisa, listen, it’s ok...”

Water dripping down his arm Nagisa backed away.  
“Not her. Not her.”

“I know, but her Defense attorney...”

“But... I’ve been good?”

“You’ve been practically angelic but...”

“I’m sorry” whispered Nagisa, his arms raising defensively. “ Sorry sorry sorry sorry.”

“No! It’s not a punishment, it’s just the law! Your not in trouble!”

Nagisa crouched down, arms wrapping around himself. He crooned to himself as Dr Jygo tried to find words to make it better.

But he couldn’t.  
He was helpless.

Nagisa crept under his bed and wouldn’t speak to anyone. Not even Sugino could coax him out.  
When he was alone he dug his nails deep in his arms. The ribbons and whispering crept over his skin.

Of course she was coming. How dare he think otherwise? She’s always come, always find him. Always come and say how much she loved her little child her little baby her little baby that would do what ever she said wouldn’t you Nagisa because you are mine I made you you are nothing without me.

Even his flowers couldn’t save him.


	7. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said before February. This is cutting it very close (get it?) but it’s still before February. That’s a win, no?

Nagisa wouldn’t look up. Wouldn’t look up. Wouldn’t look up.

“Nagisa, I know your upset but I’ll stay with you. The whole time, I swear. She won’t touch you, and you don’t have to talk. You don’t even have to listen, ok? Just sit next to me and I’ll look after everything. Ok? Nagisa please. Tell me it’s ok.”

Dr Jygo hovered near him, hoping for any reaction. Anything at all. But Nagisa just sat there, staring at the blank wall across from his bed.

“Look!” He said, picking up a flower. “You can pin this in your hair if you want. Would it be better to have a nice flower with you? Pretty flower?”

“Pretty flower.” Mumbled Nagisa, finally looking up. Dr Jygo pinned it in place as relief bubbled through his veins.

“I’ll make sure your ok. I promise.”

Hiromi wore a white skirt suit and sat perfectly straight on the plastic chair. Her lawyer sat by her side, smiling like a manic. 

Nagisa and Jygo were on the other side of the desk, and Nagisa wouldn’t look up. 

Miss Gunna, the lawyer hadn’t stopped talking once since they arrived. Chatting about how superbly her client was passing mental exams, how well she acted, how it was very unlikely there would be a jail sentence.

“You might even be able to move back in together! Would that be nice Nagisa?”

Dr Jygo nearly punched her as he felt Nagisa flinch beside him.

“Don’t worry,” soothed Miss Gunna. “I spent 2 months studying child psychology! I’m quite aware of the situation. And so, shall we!”

“Shall we what?”

“Give them their mandated 15 minutes.”

Dr Jygo almost hurled a chair. Seconds later he wished he had hurled the chair.

“2 police men are outside this room. If we don’t leave this area for 15 minutes we’re both liable for arrest! It’s under the parental rights law. Can’t argue with that, can we?”

Nagisa grabbed Dr Jugos arm. “Promised” he whisperd.

“I’m not going anywhere Nagisa. Don’t worry.”

Nagisa started to seriously worry when the police dragged Dr Jygo from the room. 

“See you in 15 minutes!” Trilled Miss Gunna. And she closed the door.

Nagisa bowed in his chair till his head almost touched his knees. All he had to do was not look up. If he didn’t look up she couldn’t get him couldn’t touch him couldn’t see him just don’t look never look and it’s ok they’ll be back soon soon back soon back don’t look up she can’t touch don’t look up and it’s.....

“Well Nagisa. Still can’t sit properly I see. Thought an institution of all places would give you decent posture.”

She’s not real not real think of the flowers pretty flower in your hair nice so pretty gone soon just don’t look flower think of the flower

“At least you’ve learned not to interrupt. One positive. But your cloths? Honestly Nagisa. It’s clear you can’t do without me. Green jeans and a red t-shirt? Have I taught you nothing about colour coordination? No matter. There’s time for that when you come home.”

“No” choked out Nagisa. “Here. Stay here.”

“Proper sentences please Nagisa, your not a baby. Of course you can’t stay here! You think they want you here? Your just another problem to tick off the list. Didn’t you go out the other day? Remember how exited that doctor was for you to go?”

“Liar. Liar. Liar. Liar.” Whispered Nagisa, “liar liar liar”

“Don’t flatter yourself. Why would I bother lying to you of all people? Even an idiot like yourself can see it’s true. They can’t wait for me to take you back! Look how quickly they left. “

“Police?”

“Trying to make you feel better. They do it for all the difficult cases. Honestly, you’d think you’d at least learn one thing. Your difficult, rude, terribly behaved. I’m the only one that can handle you. Them? They’ve been counting down the days till your departure. Not long now.”

“I...”

“Your coming with me. Within two weeks I’ve been told. We shall go home, and forget this nonsense has ever happened. I’ll remind you of your manners.”

Nagisa choked on a sob.

“And we can fix your hair.”

She reached across, pushing his fringe away from his face.

“It’s grown out a little.” She have it an affectionate tug. “Almost to your neck! You’ll look so sweet in some nice clips, or a hair band! And I’ll sort out your cloths too of course! I have something just perfect in mind! If your good, even so jewellery? No more of these weeds.”

She picked the flower from his hair, crushing it under her heel. 

“See? All better. I’ll look after you. What do you say?”

Nagisa squeezed his eyes cloths. His flower. Pretty flower.   
It didn’t look pretty anymore. Why did she have to make it not pretty why couldn’t there be just one pretty thing?”

“What do you say Nagisa?”

The petals , so soft , all broken. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly ugly ugly ugly and he felt his skin move and rip and he was so ugly he could feel it and everyone knew why hide it why fight it no one could possibly love him except except except 

“Say it Nagisa.” Her hands around his throat. Squeezing. 

“I love you... mother.”

“Good. And don’t forget it. Say goodbye to everyone here. Soon, it’ll be just us.”

He started to cry.  
He didn’t care. Didn’t care that she turned dark. Didn’t care she told him to stop. Whatever he did she’d take him away. Whatever she wanted she’d get even if he was dead she’d get him her hands so tight he couldn’t breath why bother breathing anyway he’d never get away never never and he felt his eyes go glossy and saw black dots then spots them black everywhere everywhere and 

Hiromi stared at Nagisa’s body on the floor. He’d never passed out that quickly before, never. 

She didn’t mean to do that.   
“Nagisa? Nagisa, if your faking I swear I’ll never forgive you! Get up your making me look bad!”

Why was he so difficult? Why couldn’t he just do as she said, then none of this would have happened?

None of this, not being arrested, not having this ridiculous arranged meeting to see her own child, not that doctor running back into the room, not the police men grabbing her arms, not her stupid lawyer staring mouth open, hearing “there’s a pulse, he’s got a pulse, not that jab in her arm that made everything fade slowly slowly.

He shouldn’t have been born. He’d ruined everything. She’d never forgive him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be out before February 10th. 
> 
> P.S should Nagisa be completely broken? Or should I give him some hope?


	8. Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I’m 5 days late. I sincerely apologise. I wanted to make sure I took the right tone with this. I’ve been babysitting a lot at the moment, as well as studying for my leaving cert. All together it’s been hectic and I wanted to be in a clear frame of mind before finishing this chapter. On the bright side there’s only one left. Let me know if this is heading in the direction you like, and I’ll adapt the last chapter to satisfy you. I’ve been working on this for so long I’ve become quite attached. I’ll be sad to see it go.

In the days after Nagisa woke up he refused to talk. Go anywhere. Do anything. 

Just rocked. Back and forth back and forth rocking rocking rocking on his floor. Food went untouched. Drawings uncoloured. 

Even Sugino couldn’t interest him in baseball.  
After physically throwing the baseball at his head with no response they knew it wasn’t working. 

Dr Jygo geared himself up. Time for Nagisa’s favourite thing. If this didn’t work nothing would. 

Nagisa knew she was coming. Knew she’d walk through that door and take him away far away just the two of them forever ever ever just them her baby her darling with the pretty pretty dresses pretty pretty but he’d be so ugly she’d hate him bad mother angry mother she didn’t know what pretty was!

She didn’t like his flower his special pretty flower that was perfect pretty flower she hated hated threw on the floor all broken all broken so soft saw the petals all curled up on the floor and crushed up weeds weeds weeds just a weed not flower at all how could it be pretty nothing could be pretty except mother dress mother with dresses him under the cloth swallow him up hide inside body all crushed weeds growing out of all the cracks and disappear disgusting die

“Nagisa?” Dr Jygo crouched down near of him, arms down in a gesture of peace. 

“I know your upset. I shouldn’t have let her near you. I know I said you’d never see her again. I swear it’s true this time. Even her lawyer has seen the situation. She’s been put in high risk. Your not going to see her again. Ok Nagisa? You don’t need to answer, but I’d be so happy if you nodded.”

Nagisa felt too heavy to move. He was a liar anyway. Said she’d go away forever then brought her here and left him alone. He’d been so good, did what they said and they had done punishment anyway why bother liar liar liar. 

“Would you like this? We brought it just for you.” He held out the prettiest flower they could find. The type he knew Nagisa loved. Lots of petals, a soft blue colour. Incredibly soft. Nagisa couldn’t resist soft things. 

Dr Jygo giving present to make him forget? Couldn’t forget wouldn’t wouldn’t dare is it soft that is soft looks soft but  
Weed  
Weed  
Weed

Nagisa started to scream.

When Dr Jygo tried to touch him Nagisa lashed out, scratching his face. He leapt up, threw himself against the wall, scratching and clawing at the floor, his arms his face. 

Nagisa hated the blood on his hands so ugly he was making things ugly on the wall of the floor look at him freak freak freak why couldn’t he stop just stop make it stop I hate you I hate you stop it stop it so many people why are there so many people needles needles and in his arm and he couldn’t move and 

Dr Jygo watched Nagisa as he was bandaged.  
He’d be scared when he woke up. Patients always were the first time in the padded room. The gloves on his hands would upset him, unable to move his fingers.

Dr Jygo didn’t want him put in there. In his opinion this rooms shouldn’t exist. But hospital policy applied. Violent or self harming patients needed 24 hours in the “calm down” area.  
Nagisa was now both. 

When the bandages were finished they closed the door. The little window allowed him to see inside. He was so small, curled up like that.

He cursed that women to hell.

Nagisa didn’t know where he was. The walls looked soft but he couldn’t touch. Couldn’t touch anything. Why weren’t his hands working?

The door wouldn’t open. The door wouldn’t open. 

He didn’t like this punishment.

He never knew how she managed to drag out all his furniture. She was a thin women after all. Nevertheless, sometimes he’d wake up alone. He always started out ok. A few hours. Sometimes even a day. Occupied himself doing handstands and daydreaming. It wasn’t till hours turned to days that he really broke down.

He always broke in the end.

She’d wait until the hunger ripped up his stomach and the loneliness ripped up his heart and listen to him scratching at the door.

The next bit was always her favorite.

Watching him on his knees apologising over and over until she decided he was sorry enough. She loved when he begged. If he wasn’t desperate enough (he was almost always desperate enough) she’d leave for another day or four. He always told himself he wouldn’t beg.

He always begged.

Nagisa sat down to play the worst ever waiting game. 

After forever the door opened. But that’s not mother. That’s 

Oh. 

Hospital.

Dr Jygo.

His face was all scratched. Nagisa did that. He remembered. The blood was under his nails, behind the weird glove things. Dr was a liar but a nice liar. Nagisa deserved to be locked up for hurting him.  
He sat hunched over for the hit. 

Dr Jygo forgave him. Patted his back and forgave him. Said he wasn’t angry, would never be angry. He was so wonderful.  
Nagisa didn’t deserve it. 

He loved his room. It looked just like it did when he left. His nice duvet with matching pillows. His books with the hard covers. His weeds, rotting in their vase. No one else saw them rotting. But he knew they were. From the inside out.

He’d never do that again. Never hurt anyone again. He’d be perfect. 

Nagisa tried to smile when anyone came near him. Ate what he was given, even if it made him sick afterwords. Said yes to everything asked. Answers the questions in therapy.

“Hair”  
“Brush”

“Ribbon”  
“Red”

“Scissors”  
“Snip”

Hair. Pull. Ribbon. Trapped. Scissors. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut. 

Sugino wanted to bring him out again but Dr Jygo said he wasn’t ready. Said he should stay. He didn’t care. Mother would be out there, waiting for him. He’d never go out again. 

He sat with Sugino and played baseball. Throw the back, catch the ball. Throw the ball catch the ball. Throw the ball cath the ball throwtheballcatchtheball

Over and over couldn’t he do something else? Always this game over over over Nagisa like a dog get the ball catch the ball like a dog pet animal catch the ball over over.

Sugino threw the ball.  
Ran to it. Picked it up. Nagisa didn’t like the ball. The thick stitches looked too much like his. But he had to bring it back to Sugino hand Sugino the ball why wasn’t he doing it why was he throwing it and 

Nagisa shriked at him, flung the ball at his face.

“Animal animal animal!” He yelled. He spat on the ground as Sugino ran for a nurse. That’s right go tell, go lock the animal up in the soft room with the gloves covering his hands he didn’t care didn’t at all. The garden rotted around him.

Alone in the calm down room Nagisa felt his bones start to rot. He deserved everything he got.

The next day he smiled again, pretended he wasn’t poison.  
It’s at night when he can’t pretend. When the weeds grow out of all the nasty black scars. He can feel them, creeping all over him. But he can handle that. He’s good! He can smile till his lips bleed and never never tell.

It’s when they grew during the day it gets bad. Fill the inside of his stomach when he’s eating. He stops eating. Hides the food out his window. The birds appreciate it, which is good so he’s good too?

He’s talking to Sugino and they grow in this throat. He stops talking. Nods at everything. Sugino gets to talk and is happy so Nagisa is good? He forgave him for the baseball. Nagisa didn’t hurt him after all. Nagisa was to weak to do that.

Pathetic. When Sugino left Nagisa slammed his head against the sink till he was put back in the room. He deserved to be there.

The weeds follow him.

They are everywhere outside. But he has to go. Every day he has to go. The garden, where he can see them moving, reaching and no one else can.

“Isn’t it a lovely day Nagisa?”

He nods, hopping from foot to foot to avid them. Dr Jygo frowns so he stops. They wrap around his legs. 

People start to frown more now. Always watching and he can’t get it right. 

“Eat up Nagisa!” Chirps a nurse. Doesn’t see the weeds in his food. Doesn’t understand why when he starts to cry. 

Sugino frowns when Nagisa shoves him away. Can’t let the weeds near him, can’t he see them getting close! He can’t let them hurt Sugino, not again!  
Dr Jygo is angry when Nagisa refuse to step outside. He knows he is! But he can’t walk into the rotting garden. He knew he’d hurt somebody, everybody. Inside he’d only hurt himself which he deserved.  
He isn’t good anymore. 

It’s ok. All he has to do is get rid of them. Poison them. They’ll disappear and he’ll be good!

So good!

So what kills plants? All he has to do is eat that and all the weeds inside him will die!

It’s so easy.

But they won’t let him. They take away the things that will make him better! 

First all the bleach, just a little more and he would have killed them! He felt them dying inside him! Now he’s taken away when things are being cleaned, so he can’t get it. Don’t they understand? Why are they yelling at him? He’s being good! He’s trying so much to be good!

Lock him up again, they don’t want to see him anymore.  
Mother was right he’s just a burden, nasty rotten hurting thing.  
Wouldn’t let him leave. 

His window broke so easily... And was so close to a tree, he just jumps like he used to in school. Ignores the rotting bark his skin soaking up with ugly but he’s on the ground outside. 

Find something to kill the weeds.

Dr Jygo sprinted through the hospital. Nagisa was missing so the hospital was on high alert. He’d been acting strange all week, and there was the...... incident...... with the bleach. He’d been in the calm down room for 2 days before he stopped shrinking about weeds. 

He should have payed more attention. He should have stayed with him, should have watched him, should have helped him!

He couldn’t have got out that window? The long gap between it and the tree made him dizzy. But there was no mangled corpse on the floor.

Nagisa wasn’t dead. He wouldn’t die. Not on his watch. 

Nagisa didn’t like the noise. It was everywhere here. Cars, people, music, animals. What if she was here? Why had he come here? Why didn’t he stay, keep being good and safe and inside?

And the eyes. He didn’t look that ugly did he? He knew they could see his arms. He had needed to use his jumper to avoid the glass. He had been careful! But the black scars looked weird. And he wasn’t wearing shoes. 

He looked like he’d escaped from a mental asylum. That was a joke. He laughed politely. The people around him walked faster. 

He decided to run. They couldn’t look at him properly if he was running. Hadn’t run properly, for a long straight line in ages. The garden wasn’t very big so he had to do little circles.

He loved running. Didn’t think of anything, just moved and breath move doge person breath jump over stick breath and 

He stopped, bending over, panting. How had he forgotten this feeling? What was that smell?

The little table sold food? Rows and rows of bread in all sizes. Not just white slices like at the hospital. 

The seller man stared at him.  
“Wow, you’ve been through the wars.”

Nagisa shrugged. He just wanted to smell. 

“Your like a stick kid, ever heard of breakfast?” 

Nagisa smiled. Of course he’d heard of breakfast!

“Breakfast is in the morning!”  
“Yep yep, that’d be the place for it. Here, eat this quick. But don’t tell the boss I’m doing hand outs!”

He pressed a hot roll into his hand and ushered him away with a wink. 

Nagisa day on a bench and bit it. His mouth full of the warm. Swallowing, felt it sink inside him.  
What’s that?  
A dog. 

Dog? 

Dog! 

Tiny dog! 

It barked at his, wagging it’s tail. Hungry? He could have some bread too! Everything should have this bread. He ripped off a piece and the dogs entire body shook with happy. 

Nagisa felt like a good thing. A good person. The dog put it’s head on his lap and Nagisa shook with happy. 

He followed the dog. It went to a a a park? Yes a park. The sun was so warm, he was tired. No one there so he lay down in the grass. His belly was bread warm and his skin ate the sun! 

“Bella! Bella darling!”

Nagisa sat up to see a tiny lady speed walking. She was old, her face all crinkles. Her mouth was a big smile.  
“You found my Bella! She’s always wondering off.”

“Bella!” Said Nagisa smiling. He handed her tiny dog and she patted his shoulder. Her hand was warm.  
She headed on through the park. But Nagisa stayed. Lay down. Felt the sun all over him. He sleepily turned his head. Right next to his face. 

A flower.

It was beautiful.

Dr Jygo cried in relief when they found him. Sitting under a tree making daisy chains.

“Nagisa! Why did you do that? Why did you do that, how could you leave! We missed you so much, you know we need you? We need to with us at the hospital!”

Nagisa lifted his arms up, trying to tell him everything. “Tiny dog! Warm, the bread, and nice, shush soft!”

He hugged him. Dr Jygo wrapped his arms around him, held him close. Nagisa froze. But he didn’t deserve it! The weeds.... but his belly was too warm. Were they gone?  
Would they come back?  
Dr Jygo rocked him and Nagisa put his head on his shoulder. Dr wouldn’t let go until he was ready. But this was nice. Just for a little while.  
“Let’s go.” 

Nagisa follows him down the street. He waved at the bread man who winked at him. 

Saw the tiny dog and the tiny lady. They waved, smiled. 

The hospital was different than he remembered. The weeds were gone.  
He couldn’t stop smiling.

That night he felt the weeds at his ankles. But they weren’t able to come closer. 

His flower chain was on his desk. Pretty pretty pretty.

And day after tomorrow? Can’t wait!

Dr Jygo chatted with one of the nurses.

“I hope it’s the right path. Keeping him cooped up here probably wasn’t helping. I suppose I wanted to.... protect him after the incident with his... that women.”

“He will love getting out of here.” The nurse said reassuringly.  
“After all, he’s a teenager. They love the cinema. If he gets used to it, we can move on to the next step.”

Dr Jygo nodded. “Still. He’s almost a child to me. It will feel like I’m losing a kid if he moves in with a foster family.”


End file.
